Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
