We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
