thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.