dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.