I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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