I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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