listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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