The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
