It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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