If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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