I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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