I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
