Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
