i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
