I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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