Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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