Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
