My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't turn off my feet"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize