at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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