The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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