The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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