no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
