I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
