The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
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I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
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Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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