dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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