Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
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Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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