guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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