we're chasing vodka with high fives
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
