Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
