it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
