he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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