it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
