Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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