His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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