If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
