Your dad touched me again.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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