My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
