Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
