Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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