just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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