I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
