she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
