my vag is so smooth its legendary
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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