why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
