It was confusing and full of hummus
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
