I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
