I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
where am i from again
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
