if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Shame - the story of my life.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
