Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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