he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
