I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
