I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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