So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
