Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
