I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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