Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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